Wednesday, September 13, 2006
There's a hole in my bucket
Wow I really figured something out this week. I went to a meeting a few weeks ago on prevention of depression and all about the illness. The speaker talked about filling our lamps but I'm not a lamp. I'm a bucket. I keep trying to fill up my bucket so I can keep sharing it and have enough for myself too. Everytime (it seems far and few between)I have alone time, a nap, a date with my husband, a walk with a friend, a good read, time for meaningful prayers, time to create, bake, stretch, pick flowers, fruit, actually shop alone for anything, paint my feet, put on make up, bead, stamp, blog etc I do feel recharged but it doesn't last. I keep trying to nurture my soul, lift my spirit but am unable to keep my bucket full. It seems to be leaking in spots. Some days it has large gaping holes. Maybe if I repair the patches I can keep the bucket sustained enough to properly carry the water, keep it clean and quench my thirst. Wow, discovering this has really helped me. Now I just need to know what is causing the cracks where the water leaks out. I was so excited I tried sharing this with my husband but i am not sure he really got it. He suggested getting a new bucket. This is huge for me. If I can determine what is depleting me maybe I can cope better. I know I need to lower my expectations of myself. This week I will work on not criticizing myself. I thought about it. Nobody feels good after being criticized, nobody benefits. I wouldn't do it to others I love. I would focus on the positive and tell them not to worry about it. I will do this for myself. I judge myself too harshly. I am doing a good job, there is a lot going on. Now to find out what is causing those big bad holes. Thanks for listening, this helps. Maybe one day I will brush my teeth slowly and carefully or get a haircut or just sit in the sun with no time to be anywhere for anyone, unscheduled, undiluted, unrestricted hopefully before i come UNdone.