Saturday, June 14, 2008

Where's me?

Wow it's hard to find photos with me in them. Here's some photos of Marvin playing baseball, Anastasia at the playground, my niece Jessica with Avalina just before I backed into the van at church, and all the children when they met for the first time almost three months ago. I guess I need to give someone else the camera for a change. Last night I attended a class at the church given by Doreen Kennedy. She is a super neat lady, good speaker, interesting and a retired English Literature teacher. Her class was on writing fascinating personal stories. She gave us a variety of exercises and it was really fun. I am not sure I could write a fascinating story of my experience but it got me to thinking and reminded me that I may not be the only one reading my journal especially when I am dead. I have not been keeping my journal up to date recently. It is so much easier and faster to do this and I can include photos for myself and others to see along with the text. However it is not as private so I am less likely to share all my feelings and inner most thoughts. I don't want to say that my father in law is causing trouble or how my mother and I are getting on each others nerves sometimes. I am hesitant to share details of Anastasia and Marvin fighting although not as bad as Cain and Abel or Laman and Lemuel. I don't want the whole world to know I just can't keep up with my laundry. I have no problem washing it just folding and putting it away. As if the whole world really cares or pays attention to me anyway. Right now the baby is asleep in the stroller and Marvin is at baseball while Anastasia is at Lola's playing with her cousins Fayth and Yasmin. Patrick is working with Josip so I feel like I am all alone for just a few minutes. I really miss being alone and spending time with myself. Being an only child I do enjoy doing things with just me and not having anyone else around. I don't ever feel lonely just alone. Right now the only times I get are usually in the car or at the grocery store just before midnight. I guess I had my chance to be in my room reading or listen to music or napping as long as i liked with no interuptions or company. I guess I won't be doing anymore trips to Vancouver Island or even the library with just me and my own thoughts. I guess I don't really mind that if i want to be alone it has to be in the bathroom with the door locked. One day when my husband is dead I will be alone again because in my mind I am planning to outlive him even though he is healthier than me I think. I always imagine myself living longer than him, not in a morbid way but just because. I see my grandmother who is 97 now and see how she spends so much of her time content, staring out the window, listening to the radio, wishing she could do more but feeling too tired and old. I know she is pleased when she receives a phone call or a visit. I know she feels useful and isn't tired or bored much. I had better think about getting over there to keep her company, turn her world upside down with noise and children, wear her out, see how she is doing and if we can do anything for her. One day she won't be there anymore and then I will miss her even when she's cranky.