Monday, August 07, 2006

Anastasia is One today!

Well, between painting our apartment, returning to work, train camp, clutter control, my health and the heat, plus having 2 small children to keep me busy I haven't really been near the computer in roughly a month. July has been rough but rewarding too. Returning to work has been really overwhelming but i am doing it. I usually get home exhausted by midnight. After being semialert at work it is really easy to get to sleep even if I am full of adrenaline from a busy or stressful shift. I am still trying hard to focus and be more detail oriented at work. It is a struggle when i am tired, distracted, and depressed. I think I am back into a bit of a funk, not really triggered by one singular thing. Perhaps the fact that my husband has forbidden the children to attend church with me, or because I am overextending myself. It could be the long hours each day holds or the fact that my motherinlaw is MAD at me AGAIN. Breastfeeding, hormones, the return of menstration doesn't help either. I just finished my temple preparation classes but will be unable to proceed with the next step due to lack of permission from my husband. Somehow,some day I will get there. Our Bishop came by this week on Wednesday night but I was not home. My husband refused to let him in but was willing to talk/argue with him outside. It didn't last long. All these challenges have made me feel very defeated. For the past 3 weeks I have been really feeling blah, just going through the motions but unable to take care of anyone but myself, not including the bare minimum of feeding and cleaning our children, no small task. My doctor is pushing more meds but after attending a womens's retreat in Squamish last weekend, hanging out at the pool with some moms,talking with a counsellor, stamping, dreaming, praying, pleading for help from the Lord and hiring an organizer I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I have also accepted a calling in primary and will be teaching CTR8. That should be fun. Saving graces in my life lately have been my mother again and my neice Jessica. They are so good to me and mine. Jessica comes everyday at 2:30pm to watch the children so I can get to the hospital for my shift. It is good to have her around even if I don't get to hang out with her much. I think the fact that Pat hired her to come here is the reason my motherinlaw is angry. She arrives promptly and keeps the kids fed, entertained, loved, and the like until 6pm when Pat gets home to make their dinner and put them to bed. I have had no energy to start or prepare dinner in the morning, clean the house much, run errands, brush my hair, kiss my husband, iron, organize, communicate or connect like I would like to. Going to church alone seems to have been the straw that broke the camel's back or my spirit. At least I arrive near the beginning with myself well groomed and don't feel spent at the end. I am able to listen to everything too. My husband is getting burnt out from picking up the slack. I have to stop working so much. It seem to be the one thing I CAN change. On the plus side I have managed to provide myself and my children some nutriticious meals and made it to a fitness class or the gym at least once a week. My new goals are to accept what I cannot change, keep praying, reading, exercising and to make some time for me to take care of myself, to nuture my soul, and to go on some dates with my husband again. So far so good. I booked a pedicure and got my legs waxed and on Saturday we spent 3 hours organizing the bedroom. Tonight we went out alone for dinner. Today is Anastasia's first birthday. We planned for cupcakes and lemonade in the garden out back. Hope the neighbors don't make a stink. It should be nice and I finally got a memory card so pictures will be posted. Thank you to all of you have have been so kind and concerned. Life is an interesting journey. It is hard to see the benefits of our challenges until they're done, isn't it. Temple bound and tired. Good night.